Resolve

The other day I made a list of all the things that could possibly occupy my life. What I mean is, I tried to map out the sorts of things - be they personal, work related, family, hobbies, projects, etc., that could take up pieces of my life and time. It's a great things to do now and then - I highly recommend it. 

As it turns out I have a total of 38 "things" vying for my attention. Some are projects at church, hobbies I am learning about, projects I have taken on with my kids, personal goals, leadership stuff, school, etc. 

As I looked at them I was struck by the fact that in a great many situations I end up feeling like its and "either or choice." What I mean is, I noticed that I often feel like I am boxed it and constrained when I am forced into either or choices. I have taken to calling this the "binary" choice.

Here's what I realized: this might work well with certain choices, but it wreaks havoc on my faith.

Think about it: if its a project at the office I can often chose a) or b) - and then act accordingly. But, so often it seems to be the case that when it comes to matters of faith, making choices binary seems to mean that I move towards God or I don't. Lately I have been wondering if this is the right way to think about it. Let me make it a bit more concrete.

The other day I had to do something that was faith related - it was a particular act that is part of my life with God/ vocation. As the time drew near to engage, I found myself getting strangely anxious and a bit fearful. It was unusual because I don't normally experience this sort of thing - at least with regard to the particular thing I am talking about. 

Anyway, I think that had I let myself I would have opted out. I would have simply felt like the anxiety/ fear associated made to too much, too hard. I would have cratered and fear would have gotten the better of me. 

Then, I read Psalm 42. Here's now the NIV reads on this chapter:

As the deer pants for streams of water, 

   so my soul pants for you, my God. 

2 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. 

   When can I go and meet with God? 

3 My tears have been my food 

   day and night, 

while people say to me all day long, 

   “Where is your God?” 

4 These things I remember 

   as I pour out my soul: 

how I used to go to the house of God 

   under the protection of the Mighty One[d] 

with shouts of joy and praise 

   among the festive throng.

 5 Why, my soul, are you downcast? 

   Why so disturbed within me? 

Put your hope in God, 

   for I will yet praise him, 

   my Savior and my God.

 6 My soul is downcast within me; 

   therefore I will remember you 

from the land of the Jordan, 

   the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar. 

7 Deep calls to deep 

   in the roar of your waterfalls; 

all your waves and breakers 

   have swept over me.

 8 By day the LORD directs his love, 

   at night his song is with me— 

   a prayer to the God of my life.

 9 I say to God my Rock, 

   “Why have you forgotten me? 

Why must I go about mourning, 

   oppressed by the enemy?” 

10 My bones suffer mortal agony 

   as my foes taunt me, 

saying to me all day long, 

   “Where is your God?”

 11 Why, my soul, are you downcast? 

   Why so disturbed within me? 

Put your hope in God, 

   for I will yet praise him, 

   my Savior and my God.

I was drawn to verse 5 and 11. In the verses preceding each of these there is a languishing/ flourishing/ longing move in the heart of the writer. I know what that feels like. The vagaries of emotions and the havoc they can wreak on my faith life are the stuff that legends are made of. But, I noticed the vocative nature of the words in verses 5 and 11. It's like the Psalmist made a decision long before the emotions of the circumstance came along - and his decision was to default to praising/ longing and trusting in God.

My observation about my life would be that I make this an "in the moment" decision all too often. I have been wondering lately what it would look like to live in the fullness of the moment, the full brunt of all the emotions that come my way - feeling all the angst and anguish (as well as the blessedness) and know that my resolve, in each moment, is to be before God in everything. 

"for I will YET praise him, my Savior and my God"

Non binary faith.